ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
You Might Also Like
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine