If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
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Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
“Wait, let me explain..”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My dog learned how to text
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?