Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
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Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
😂😂😂
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried