It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
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Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Potatoes were such a good idea
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
The days of good grammer has went
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I’ve been drinking.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*