Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
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[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?