Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
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My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.