*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
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i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Always…
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell