@LeonEarlgrey baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
@LeonEarlgrey 
@LeonEarlgrey My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
@LeonEarlgrey Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
@LeonEarlgrey I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
@LeonEarlgrey “Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
@LeonEarlgrey I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
@LeonEarlgrey Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
@LeonEarlgrey So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
@LeonEarlgrey Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
@LeonEarlgrey I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.