@LeonEarlgrey

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

@LeonEarlgrey

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

@LeonEarlgrey

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

@LeonEarlgrey

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

@LeonEarlgrey

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

@LeonEarlgrey

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

@LeonEarlgrey

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

@LeonEarlgrey

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

@LeonEarlgrey

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.