Who did it better?
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i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
a public service announcement
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
*ernest hemingway voice*
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase