Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
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My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Respect
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.