Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
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I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
New menu item
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.