The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
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mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.