Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
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We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
and now we wait
who did the taste test?
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.