I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
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As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Bros before Ohioes
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”