Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.