Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
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“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
uncle dave has been through hell
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Can’t. Being lazy.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Mouse
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I’m already scared
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.