Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
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My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
My flabber has been gasted.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.