My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
jesus, what did this guy do
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff