Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
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911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.