*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
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When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Why I divorced her.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise