Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
You Might Also Like
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.