My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
You Might Also Like
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Me buying fruit and veg
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Watson was Holmes schooled
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions