Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.