I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]