I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
*Adorns new baby with:
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*
They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.