Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
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I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?