In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
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me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.