my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
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Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
the dark web is just a goth google.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.