Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
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sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.