“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
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wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
can’t talk my ride’s here
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Not all heroes wear capes.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
This makes total sense…
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?