Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
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You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up