my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
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…..pretty much.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.