[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
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Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.