I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
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Me in tagged photos
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.