And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.