M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
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WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Doctors texting each other.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute