Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
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Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one