Oh boy, $150,000!
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My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
In banana years, I am bread.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.