@LionJenkins

Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down

Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in

Now out

Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about

@LionJenkins

Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I’m outta here!
Judge: Litigator!
Lawyer: After a while crocodile.

@LionJenkins

I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.

@LionJenkins

Autocorrect just changed “Selfies” to “Selfless” so I just took a picture without me in it.

@LionJenkins

you can tell im drunk by the number of made-up words i concoctulate

@LionJenkins

[First day at New Job]

New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?

<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>

@LionJenkins

Me: *Wrong Turn
Siri: Recalculating Route
Me: *Wrong Turn
Siri: Recalculating Route
Me: *Wrong Turn
Siri: You’re on your own, Idiot.

@LionJenkins

Dear Adobe,

In all the times I’ve been to the circus I’ve never seen an Acrobat Reading.