Why am I like this?
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i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
bugs when you lift up a rock
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes