Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
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another case of gang violins
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape