[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
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Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono