[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
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Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
it’s the silliest best thing
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.