Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.