I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
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If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
lol
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.