I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”