Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.