Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*