Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
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running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.