shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
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You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.