My ends are so split they’re only sharing custody of my head.
Don’t get mad, get even. More mad. Even more mad.
them: it’s so remote, you can only reach it by ferry
me: do…do they pay the fairies, or…?
I told my neighbour that I love alliteration and he said books are good. I’ve been trying to process that for the last 17 hours.
Him: I have to tell you something. I see-
Me: You’re seeing someone else?!
Him: -dead people
Me: Wow, so you’re cheating on me and you’re a necrophiliac. Real nice, Greg.
Thinking about the time I got paired for a project with the dude who sat beside me in history class and I couldn’t remember his name so I thought I’d be sneaky and ask him how he spelled his name instead of asking what it was and he looked me dead in the eyes and said B-E-N
After a couple of glasses of wine, I realise that I am so charming I should be charming even louder
Can’t stop thinking about the dude who called me 40 as an insult and then kept raising the age the more angry he got until I was “almost-60”
My neighbour told me he could hear me yelling at my kids through my open window but my kids are with their dad and actually I was yelling at the people on t.v.
Had an awkward phone convo with my little niece as she kept insisting my cat is such a good pervert. I vehemently denied this allegation and only as she presented her supporting arguments did I finally agree that he is indeed a very good PURRER.