
My ends are so split they’re only sharing custody of my head.
My ends are so split they’re only sharing custody of my head.
Don’t get mad, get even. More mad. Even more mad.
them: it’s so remote, you can only reach it by ferry
me: do…do they pay the fairies, or…?
I told my neighbour that I love alliteration and he said books are good. I’ve been trying to process that for the last 17 hours.
Him: I have to tell you something. I see-
Me: You’re seeing someone else?!
Him: -dead people
Me: Wow, so you’re cheating on me and you’re a necrophiliac. Real nice, Greg.
Thinking about the time I got paired for a project with the dude who sat beside me in history class and I couldn’t remember his name so I thought I’d be sneaky and ask him how he spelled his name instead of asking what it was and he looked me dead in the eyes and said B-E-N
After a couple of glasses of wine, I realise that I am so charming I should be charming even louder
Can’t stop thinking about the dude who called me 40 as an insult and then kept raising the age the more angry he got until I was “almost-60”
My neighbour told me he could hear me yelling at my kids through my open window but my kids are with their dad and actually I was yelling at the people on t.v.
Had an awkward phone convo with my little niece as she kept insisting my cat is such a good pervert. I vehemently denied this allegation and only as she presented her supporting arguments did I finally agree that he is indeed a very good PURRER.