I literally have no clever commentary. This glorious monstrosity speaks for itself.
My neighbour overheard me wish a “long and prosperous life” to the spider I released outside. I’m worried he’ll get the wrong impression that I’m similarly warm-hearted towards people.
Them: why are you wearing a cape?
Me: i feel naked without it
Them: you are naked
Me: no, i’m wearing my cape
I have questions
Me: Thanks for agreeing to do this session via Skype
Therapist: Right, are you in a safe place?
Me: *from inside my blanket fort* Yes, very
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I’m confident, but not ‘say hors d’oeuvres aloud at a fancy restaurant’ confident.
Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!
Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen
I lost a friend over my bastardization of common idioms, but I think she should just let pylons be pylons.
[5 yr old niece watching me exercise]
Niece: why are you doing that?
Me: so I can stay strong and healthy
Niece: *observing me shake, sweat, gasp for air* that does not look healthy