Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!
Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen
I lost a friend over my bastardization of common idioms, but I think she should just let pylons be pylons.
[5 yr old niece watching me exercise]
Niece: why are you doing that?
Me: so I can stay strong and healthy
Niece: *observing me shake, sweat, gasp for air* that does not look healthy
If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.
[Showing my friend my poem]
Friend: Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables
Me: Haiku is two syllables
Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.
I see you pull into my driveway and my heart races. My loins burn. My tummy flutters. I love you, food delivery man.
Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.
Hair Stylist: *massaging my scalp* how does that feel?
Me: I would crawl through broken glass for you
Hair Stylist: what?
For the hoe on the go