Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of LittleMissAngr1's best tweets

@LittleMissAngr1 : Me: Yeah, I've been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.

Them:

Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.

@LittleMissAngr1: I thought my daughter was coming in for a kiss, but she just wanted to glare at me from point blank range.

@LittleMissAngr1: I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.

@LittleMissAngr1: My neighbours complained about me dancing naked in my backyard last night. It's like they don't even know how necromancy works.

@LittleMissAngr1: Him: How many exes do you have?

Me: Dead or alive?

Him: Wait, how many are dead?

Me: Just the bad half.

Him: What?!

Me: Half. Just half.

@LittleMissAngr1: The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can't really remember what it's like to not have kids.

@LittleMissAngr1: Me: *dripping in sweat and covered in scratches* You should see the other guy!

[Camera pans slowly to sports bra crumpled on the floor]

@LittleMissAngr1: Me: Can you put your bowl in the sink, please?

10: Why?

Me: Why do you think?

10: Because you're too lazy to do it?

@LittleMissAngr1: Him: Honey, I wrecked the car.

Me: Omg! Did you pick up the food first?