@LittleMissAngr1

Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!

Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen

@LittleMissAngr1

I lost a friend over my bastardization of common idioms, but I think she should just let pylons be pylons.

@LittleMissAngr1

[5 yr old niece watching me exercise]

Niece: why are you doing that?

Me: so I can stay strong and healthy

Niece: *observing me shake, sweat, gasp for air* that does not look healthy

@LittleMissAngr1

If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.

@LittleMissAngr1

[Showing my friend my poem]

Friend: Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables

Me: Haiku is two syllables

@LittleMissAngr1

Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.

@LittleMissAngr1

I see you pull into my driveway and my heart races. My loins burn. My tummy flutters. I love you, food delivery man.

@LittleMissAngr1

Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.

@LittleMissAngr1

Hair Stylist: *massaging my scalp* how does that feel?

Me: I would crawl through broken glass for you

Hair Stylist: what?

Me: what?