A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
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The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”