Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
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MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”