For the hoe on the go
Excited to announce that I am running for city council! Oops, typo. I am running from city council!
Them: I’m so sorry!
Me: *checking that their concrete boots have set* It’s all water under the bridge.
I bought six pet carrots a couple weeks ago, and already four have died.
Bad cop: Let me scare her a bit.
Good cop: Not yet, I think she’s going to break.
Britney: My loneliness is killing me.
Good cop: But did you kill him?
Britney: And I, I must confess.
Good cop: Here we go
Britney: I still believe
Bad cop: Jesus Christ
Get your flu shot. Get your cold stabbed.
I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.
Him: *recites romantic speech he wrote about his undying love for me*
Priest: And the bride?
Me: *realising my vows weren’t supposed to be a list of the shit I won’t put up with* um, pass.
Me: Why are your eyes closed? I’m trying to talk to you.
9: Because in my mind, a cake is saying it. A red velvet cake.
When I’m bored I venmo cash to strangers with messages like “you looked so peaceful while you were sleeping”.